?

Log in

Alkohal At The Movies... - Annoyed with the world today? [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Annoyed with the world today?

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

Alkohal At The Movies... [May. 8th, 2004|01:33 am]
Annoyed with the world today?

angry_rants

[alkohal]
This Weeks Featured Movie
(WARNING: THE FOLLOWING MOVIE SUCKS MORE DICK THAN WHITNEY HOUSTON TRYING TO SCORE SOME COKE!)

Van Helsing


Where to begin with this troubled film. The premise had promise, so I ask where did it go wrong. Well i'll get to that in a second but first i'd like to help all of you by telling you to stay the vanHELL away from this movie. Save your money and go see Mean Girls or that new olsen twin movie as you'll prob get more your moneys worth with those than this. I can out of the theatre about a half hour ago thinking to myself why did I waste my time and money and to tell you the truth most of the audience did as well. Let me just save you the trouble of seeing it and tell you all the main shit. Van Helsing is a monster hunter working for the Vatican, to the people of the world he's a murderer more so after he kills Mr. Hyde. Dracula had Frankenstein built so he could give life to an army of baby vampires using Frankensteins Energy. If Kate Beckinsale dies her family will rot in purgatory due to a promise her family made to god to kill dracula and shes the last member alive. It seems that Frankenstein survives and majors in English while underground for a year with no contact to the world. Werelwolves are the only thing that can kill Dracula, Van Helsing just happens to get bitten by one. Van Helsing was the original murderer of Dracula as a human resulting in him becoming a vampire, meaning Helsing is an immortal. Dracula has a cure for being a werewolf, and they use it to save Van Helsing even though Kate Beckinsales character dies in the process. Now let me start ripping apart the movie from here, If a werewolf actually sheds his fur when returning back to human form with a fur loin cloth which makes no sense watsoever. The brides of dracula have no nipples, ass crack, or vagina despite being naked. Dracula is supposedly imprisoned in an ice world but has no trouble traveling back and forth between worlds despite being banished. Frankenstein speaks perfect english seemingly he was given the brain of a scholar.
Mr. Hyde will forever be subdued into being a giant hulk even though, in the original books he's just an alter personality who gets some minor appearance changes. Kate Beckinsale can survive 30 ft drops onto rocks and tree braches without breaking a limb or even getting a cut, yet when punched she will.
Hugh Jackman and Kate Beckinsale and Frankenstein work at Circus Du Sole. You can hold on to a rubber rope in the rain hanging 100's of feet above the ground jump and catch onto another one while not slipping off. OH YEAH LETS NOT FORGET THAT ACCORDING TO STEPHEN SOMMERS VAMPIRES AN WEREWOLVES CAN NOW COME OUT DURING THE DAY EVEN THOUGH TRADITION AND MYTH DICTATES OTHERWISE FOR AT LEAST 100 YEARS. AND THESE ARE THE MINOR THINGS! ACTING, CAMERAWORK ALL AWFUL! BECKINSALE'S ROMANIAN ACCENT IS BRUTAL. ACTUALLY ALL THE ROMANIAN ACCENTS ARE. OOPS ALMOST FORGOT THE INCREDIBLY BAD CG! I DONT BLAME HUGH JACKMAN FOR HIS MISTAKE I FORGIVE HIM AS LONG AS HE MAKES X-MEN 3 NEXT AND NOT KATE & LEOPOLD 2 OR A SEQUEL TO THIS! STEPHEN SOMMERS YOU FUCKING HACK YOU DESTROYED CLASSIC CHARACTERS AND NEARLY KILLED JACKMANS CAREER, YOU STINK NOW DIE AND GOTO HELL ALONG WITH THIS TERRIBLE MOVIE!

I give this movie a HALF FULL SHOT GLASS OF WATER! ITS THAT BAD!

PLEASE STAY AWAY FROM THIS, DON'T GIVE THEM MONEY SO THEY THINK PEOPLE LIKED IT AND MAKE A SEQUEL BECAUSE IF THEY DO THE NEXT CHARACTERS TO DIE ARE THE INVISIBLE MAN AND CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON!

DON'T GET MAD ABOUT THE SPOILERS I JUST SAVED YOU $10 YOU SHOULD ALL THANK ME!

I HAVENT SEEN PEOPLE HATE A MOVIE SO MUCH SINCE MATRIX REVOLUTIONS! YEP IT'S ACTUALLY WORSE!

Now if only I could get my money and time back.

xXx
AK47
linkReply

Comments:
From: gimme_a_cookie
2004-05-20 08:09 pm (UTC)
dude, i liked the matrix revolutions, tho the first one wuz better.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: alkohal
2004-05-20 10:17 pm (UTC)
you have to admit you had to be a bit disappointed by that ending.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
From: gimme_a_cookie
2004-05-21 07:16 pm (UTC)
i dunno. it was depressing, the kind of "truce," but a complete destruction of the matrix would have been unrealistic.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)